Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, (39) nor anything above, nor anything below, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours in union with the Messiah Jesus, our Lord."
Standing on the promises of God that He would send the Comforter to be with us, we did everything in our physical power to help our little girl get better. She had pneumonia from inhaling the water. She had double ear infections. Her motor capabilities began again from about a 7 month old infant. She needed us to steady her little body as we "walked" around the hospital floor while baby slept. She couldn't keep anything down, so they had to give her Tylenol via sopository or they would have to put another IV in to her arm and drug her to keep her from pulling the needle out of her arm, which would prolong her recovery.
I remember taking her in my arms saying, "Let's go for a walk baby girl!" She was so excited to get out of isolation behind those sterile bars. We went to the nurses and asked for little hospital socks or slippers to protect her feet and off we went. Because the nurses station was in the middle of the PICU and all the rooms around the edges, it was easy to go round and round in circles. The first time we walked, I held my hands around her chest, leaning over for her to feel the floor with her feet, but instead of walking upright, she bounced like a babe would do. It was all I had within me not to cry and instead I beat myself up for not keeping a closer eye on her, making her stay downstairs with us. The guilt weighed heavily on my heart and mind. I pleaded with God to forgive me. I asked Him to help me to know what to do for my baby girl. As soon as we went around the whole nurse's station, she was finished. She was exhausted and wanted to lay down.
I snuggled her, thanking God for giving her back to us, but I couldn't sing to her. I knew the flood would come and I felt the need to keep my composure until we could get safely home. If I sang, the flood would come, so God provided our music. After laying her down, she fell into a deep sleep for a couple of hours. At that time, the baby roused, I'd nurse him, change his diaper and he'd fall back to sleep. During this time, I'd watch everyone, listen to their stories, pray for them and try to close my eyes just for a little while. Both children were sleeping, so I slept or at least I tried.
The first time I realized that God really heard our cries for our daughter was when she woke up from that first nap. She was just a little bit better, just from a nap! I was amazed! So, I repeated the same thing I did before and went for a walk around the nurse's station. She had such beautiful smiles for everyone. What a blessing for our hurting hearts to see her smile. That time around the nurse's station, she wanted to go more, so we tried another trip around. She didn't make it around a full 2nd trip, so I scooped her up in my arms and swayed back and forth, whispering in her ear that I loved her so very much, and humming ever so gently to her. She draped herself over me, putting her head in the crook of my arm and just sighed deeply. She was hungry. They brought her a BRAT diet to help with her tummy. She loves all those things anyway, so it wasn't a bad thing for her. She barely made it through half of her food when her eyes glazed over and she needed to lay down.
The first time I realized that God really heard our cries for our daughter was when she woke up from that first nap. She was just a little bit better, just from a nap! I was amazed! So, I repeated the same thing I did before and went for a walk around the nurse's station. She had such beautiful smiles for everyone. What a blessing for our hurting hearts to see her smile. That time around the nurse's station, she wanted to go more, so we tried another trip around. She didn't make it around a full 2nd trip, so I scooped her up in my arms and swayed back and forth, whispering in her ear that I loved her so very much, and humming ever so gently to her. She draped herself over me, putting her head in the crook of my arm and just sighed deeply. She was hungry. They brought her a BRAT diet to help with her tummy. She loves all those things anyway, so it wasn't a bad thing for her. She barely made it through half of her food when her eyes glazed over and she needed to lay down.
Every morning the xray technicians would come and get her for an xray of her lungs. Since they did it at 6AM, I didn't know anything until they came a little later one morning at 8AM. As it turned out, they were waiting for the pneumonia to clear her lungs. I didn't know this, but apparently, the walking I'd been doing with her is what her body needed to help her get better. With each walk and subsequent nap, she would get a little better. It was a miraculous thing to behold. She was still so very restless at night and tried getting out of her crib on numerous occasions. My husband insisted on staying with her at night so he could make sure she stayed safe and didn't get out of her crib. She climbed over the locked gate at my Dad's house to get in to the pool, so he felt so strongly that he needed to stay there while I slept with the baby at the Ronald McDonald House.
When she was transferred to a regular room on a pediatric unit, she had a room mate who was just a little younger than her. This little guy's parents were hardly there to be with him. It broke our hearts, so we tried to talk to the nurses about his condition and see if we could talk with him or hold him. His parents didn't want anyone touching him unless it was medically necessary. Why they put us in this particular room, at the time, I didn't know. It was so very gut wrenching to see this poor little guy crying and wanting his Momma. When she did come in, she didn't stay for long. It was at that time that I was renewed with greater determination to be available to my family when they needed me, without grudging.
She and I kept up our walks and on one occasion just down the hall from her room was a young man who was going through cancer treatment. His youth group came in for the evening to sing all kinds of campfire/spiritual songs with him. What a soothing-healing-balm to our souls that God had provided music for us when we couldn't sing. She had become tired, but wanted to listen to the music, so I held her and danced and swayed outside the door to their room for her. Earlier that same day, there was mention that we might be able to take her home the next day, so I went to buy her an outfit to be able to go home since I had completely forgotten to pack her any clothes. What a wonderful blessing it was to buy her clothes! I teared up just a little, thanking God that it wasn't for her funeral.
She still had an ear infection with fluid in her ears at this point. The doctor told us that if her x-ray the next morning was clear, she could go home. We waited for what seemed like forever the next morning. The doctor wanted to see what we had been doing with her walking before he released her. With her ear infections, her equilibrium was off, so she stumbled a bit. But the doctor released her to go home. We were elated!
My in-laws met us at the house with my oldest son who had a good time with grandma and grandpa. He talked a little about sissy drowning, but not much. My in-laws marveled at our daughter, mentioning her stumbling. We were all so very tired and ready to just breathe a sigh of relief because we were all together under one roof again.
But, as we soon found out, that was just the beginning of another whole totally different kind of heart sick, turbulent time when we dealt with our own guilt, our own humanness and her night terrors. Well meaning people would call and come over and stare at her in disbelief. They would share their story with us and we would store those things in our minds. Everything was still overwhelming, so truly understanding and grasping the full depth and breadth of what had just occurred really hadn't hit until the next day. I was changing JL's diaper while sitting on the floor when HJ came up to me and said, "Momma I saw a man." I asked her about it but she couldn't verbalize yet. I had my suspicions, but I waited to hear from her.
Six months later with night terror screams waking us up in the middle of every night, we were exhausted. What would happen the next night truly shook me to the core. She woke up screaming at 2:30AM. I raced to her side, picked her up and held her. She said, "Momma, I saw a man!" In my sleep filled mind, the thought occurred to me to ask her about this man in detail. I asked her if she'd seen this man before. She said "Yes". I asked her where? She told me here at our house. I was confused at this point, so I asked her if it was one of our friends. She said no. So I asked her if we had a picture of this man on our wall somewhere? She didn't know, so we went around to every picture we had in the house. When we came upon the one below, she started crying uncontrollably.
She said that man tried to take her from Momma and Daddy. I asked her if she knew his name. She said "No". I told her that his name is Jesus. She had a shocked look on her face when she realized this was the same Jesus we've sung about so many times and we've seen his pictures through our books and on our wall. I asked her why she was so scared. She said, "Because she wanted to come back to Momma and Daddy." I asked her if she came back to her Momma and Daddy. She said, "Yes." And I told her that Jesus loves her and wanted to give her back to us. I told her, "The next time you see Him in your dreams, give him a big hug and tell him 'Thank you for giving me back to my Momma and Daddy." She agreed. We got some water and went back to bed. She didn't have any more night terrors after that night. I asked her a couple days later if she had a chance to hug Jesus and tell him "Thank you." She said, "Yes!" and ran off to play.
Our doctor couldn't believe the miraculous recovery she made. The fire fighters and EMT's were dumbfounded. My husband took her to say "Thank You!" and give all of them hugs for helping her when she was so very sick.
Fast forwarding 13 years, the anniversary of her drowning is coming up next month. We've had some interesting times of wracking our brains trying to seek out wisdom in dealing with her educational issues, her self control issues, her flitting like a butterfly, and other small issues with relation to her drowning and being without oxygen to her brain. To say it has been easy would be a lie. There have been times where it has been gut-wrenchingly hard to lay down my own preconceived ideas on how things ought to be, letting them go and listening to my daughter and her needs. I love this beautiful young lady. I can't imagine my life without her in my life. She's an amazing young lady. What a gift it has been that God would love us enough to see the pleading hearts of his two children, imperfect as they are, to see fit to bless us a second time with this beautiful girl. I am humbled.
If I had nothing of my possessions, but had my husband and children, I would be the richest woman in the world.
2 comments:
I just read through both parts of this. Beautiful. Praise GOD! His ways are SO beyond our own. I am so glad He gave your beautiful young lady back to you. (((HUGS)))
Yes, Nataly, Praise God!
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