When One Spouse Has Been UnSaved

Disclosure Statement:  This post is real, brutally, gut wrenchingly honest and posted WITH permission by my husband.  You will laugh, you will probably cry---much like I have.  And, most likely, you will rejoice to see what wonderful work God has done.  And, this is long, so bear with me.

Ideally, when two Christian people come together, agree to be married and fall in love, they are what Christian circles call "evenly yoked."  In an ideal world, this is what that marriage would simulate--

The work done together is for glorifying God and the couple moves closer together as they move closer to God.

When one has an UNsaved spouse, things look a bit differently, and each situation will be just a bit different with different circumstances.  But much of what you'll see is excuses, whether valid excuses or not, they're still there.  Sometimes the excuses are selfish pride based.  Other times they are timing based like, "When I retire", "When the kids are out of the house" and infinitum.

Then, there are the times when the Lord chooses to "prune" the other spouse.  Yes, the "saved" spouse gets worked on by God.  Yes I'm still looking back and trying to make sense of it all.  But, the best I can tell,

John 15:2  He cuts off every branch that does not produce fruit in me, and he cuts back every branch that does produce fruit, so that it might produce more fruit. [emphasis mine]

How does a Heavenly pruning sound?  That is EXACTLY what it took for me to surrender.  I had a ruptured disc in my lower lumbar area.  The gelantinous material oozed out in a way that it just barely touched the left side of my spinal cord and caused me to be on my hands and knees in pain for 48 hours.  No shots would help, no chiropractic care would help, no hot water, ice pack, nothing would help.  I called the assistant pastor who brought 5 other people who prayed over me at 8:30PM on February 4th, 2001.  At 8:37PM, I got up and stood without pain.  God was teaching me, molding me and showing me through that circumstance that not only did He love me, but He loved me enough to discipline me to bring me in to submission to His will for my life.  He even gave me some not so lovely reminders--"zingers" I called them.  I'd always get them when my heart and mind were not so lovely toward my husband.  Contrary to what one might think, almost 12 years later, I still get them.  It isn't as often, but I'm glad for the painful reminders.  Yes, I said that.  Yes, I am stubborn.  I come from a long line of stubborn Irish folks.  LOL

You see, I begged God for the first 11 years of our marriage to change my husband.  When I read The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, the first chapter was about "His Wife".  That's when I "got it."  I needed to be willing to change, to be molded, pruned and so forth to bring forth much more abundant fruit.  Now, some people might call me "Fruit Loopy", but that's ok.  Go ahead, I can handle it.  Yes, I've made mistakes.  No, I'm not perfectly humbled, pruned or submitted.  I was the saved one who was praying.  That's all God had to work with because I was as rebellious as they came, complete with the mouthy bitter attitude.  Just this week I found myself apologizing to my husband for putting up with me and being such an awful stumbling block for him.  I was not the epitome of a Proverbs 31, Titus 2 or 1 Peter 3 woman at all, but just the opposite!

I could just imagine God looking down on us and saying, "Oh dear, this will never do!  I'm going to have to do some pruning before I can give her the desires of her heart."

 Why?  Well, the best I can tell, it is because the humility [forced at times where situations were beyond my own control and I had to just surrender and pray for God's protection for myself and my children], and meek and quiet spirit needed to endure the years of spiritual unrest, gut wrenching torturous spiritual battle needed to continue.

Did I say that?  

Yes, I did.  

The past two months have been so very torturous for me.  My husband has been addicted to online games, ignoring all of us until his needs of "get me a cup of coffee/water/food" from the kids or intimacy from me needed to be filled.  After he'd leave for work, I'd just cry my eyes out begging God to help me.  I know I felt much like a robot, going through the motions, just getting the every day things done and not much joy, unless it was in my kids and their antics or going to worship, Bible Study or Choir/Bell Choir practice for the holiday season.  Since he works in the afternoons, the practices were almost always then.

What a balm for my soul!  I so needed it!  

Little did I know, the darkest time would come on Christmas day...



...if you would like to read the rest of this story, please email me privately.  My email address is in the left side bar (just add symbols).

This is just the beginning of the story of God's work in our lives.  It's very long and Mr. G doesn't mind sharing it, so please feel free to email me!

Forgiveness, Boundaries & Letter Writing

I have never been very good at writing letters.  I write a letter to my mother once every 3 months or so.  I send her pictures and give her updates to our family.  This may seem like "not enough" for your families.  Between my kids and I, it wouldn't be enough.  But, it is important for me to write to my mother, multiple pages, with lots of pictures about 4 times a year. This is how I keep her informed about the good news of our lives, encourage her in her life and share the gospel with her.  

[What you are about to read is history, nothing more.]

You see, I've found that within the past year that she's been keeping these letters now, instead of ripping them apart.  Why would she rip them apart?  In 2008, my daughter broke her leg.  

My mother felt it necessary to take that point in time to desire to come see us, for HJ's sake.  It would have been fine, and it still is fine for her to come for a visit, but I told her that I needed to talk with Mr. G about it and get back to her.  He was preoccupied in the garage, eye-brow deep in an electrical issue that was more important to wait than to ask him right then.  Once he finished, we discussed it and decided that she could come, as long as she respected our house rules and  "no swearing", and she needed a way back because she originally made the request with a "one-way" ticket.  These were my husband's requirements.  They were thought about quite extensively by him over night and I tried presenting them to her the next day, but she wouldn't answer her phone.  Because I didn't call her back "right away", she thought my Mr. G "didn't love her."  So when I finally got to talk with her 2 days later, she decided that she wasn't going to come and had some choice words for me and hung up the phone on me.  I called her back and let her know that I would not allow her to treat me that way, nor my children or my husband.  [I'd heard how she had treated my niece and how she was treating my sister and her fiance.  I wasn't going to allow it with myself or my family.]  I said it in to her supposedly broken answering machine, but I don't know if she actually heard anything I said.  

I honored her and continued sending her cards, letters and Christmas gifts only to find out that she had been dumping it, unopened, into the trash can.  She didn't know about the gifts, gift cards, loving words or anything.  My sister-in-law told me that she had been doing these things since July 2008.  

HJ in her neon pink cast, picking peas from her square foot garden as a snack.

My mother came upon some pretty desperate financial times that we didn't know about, neither did my brother and sister-in-law.  My sister knew, but wouldn't tell us about it for some strange reason (pride maybe...not sure).  But when my brother called and told me, we helped her in every way we could think of.    To say that she had a very difficult time taking that first check and buying groceries with it is putting things mildly.  She was beligerant, disrespectful and not even wanting to cash it, but wanted my brother and sister-in-law to send it back to us.  She didn't want to touch it.  Well, after talking with her, my brother finally convinced her to sign it and my sister-in-law went shopping with her to get her some much needed groceries.    The second check went a little easier and the third a little easier still.  Once my nephew, little Billy, was born, she had one more check to cash and tend to on her own.  She had no other choice.  So, she did it.  

She's received letters and cards and packages through my aunt and brother after she was kicked out of her trailer and moved in with my sister and her fiance.  My sister's fiance has a "history", so we didn't send packages directly to her.

This was taken right before my brother found out that she needed help. 

My aunt took this picture last fall '11.

Fast forwarding to this year, 2012....she reads my letters, opens my card AND, I've spoken with her, as the kids have as well, on Skype and the telephone.

She has had a very bitter, rebellious attitude all of her life.  If people do not do what she wishes, she cuts them off from her life, as she did with me and my family for setting up reasonable boundaries.  I am thankful for God giving me the strength to set up those boundaries and keep them in place, standing my ground not only for the sake of my children and husband, but for the peace of my home.

Boundaries need to be set up and readjusted as time progresses and as need arises.  My mother has been honored, but she's not been allowed to have any lasting effect on my family.  Communication with my children has been limited for that reason.  It's been only "on the surface" for their sakes, up until now.  I foresee a time when that "protection" that has been placed there for their own good, will be not just challenged, but also brought face to face to deal with...when we visit...in person.  I don't know when this will happen, but I foresee it happening within the next 2 years.  We'll see how much she has truly respected and forgiven me and my husband for setting up healthy to protect our children at that time.

Until then, I send her letters, with one way communication.  She doesn't call me since she only has local calling abilities on her telephone.  She calls my brother and sister-in-law from my sister's phone, but doesn't call me.  I'm still considering and praying about sending her a tracfone.  We'll see.  I call her when I know she'll be at my aunt's house, or I can Skype with her there.

All of this to say that I do not have the perfect mother.  She is undiagnosed with numerous problems as an adult, and refuses to be diagnosed, labelled or treated for those things.  She treats my sister, her fiance, neice(s), sister-in-law, brother, nephew(s) good when she feels like it.  The other times, it is open for anyone's guess as to whether they'll be verbally abused or manipulated, worse yet, physically abused.

We have to have boundaries in place with her because we love her, because since she hasn't shown self control for herself, we have to give that to her through boundaries.  She is allowed to speak to the children, but we will not allow cursing.  She is allowed to see them via Skype, but she is not allowed to say anything about their appearance or our religious beliefs.  I stay very close by, even listening to the conversations, stepping in where I need to.

This does not cause me great anxiety any longer.  I have forgiven her for the things she's done to me through her abuse as a child and an adult, her disrespect of my husband and my children through her actions.  I would love to go out and see her, talk with her, share with her about our lives, pray with her, sing to her with the kids, but finances will not allow that right now.

This is why I write letters.  I am honoring her the best way I can and know how.  Hoping to give her what she needs, even though she's never been that type of person to me.  To say that it is monumentally difficult is definitely in the ball park.  She doesn't say, "I love you" and never has.  Her "moment" of love for us was when she decided not to abort us.  So, you see the mountainous undertaking I've felt needed to be done is always there, showing her love, because I do love her.

If you have a mother, step-mother or mother figure who loves you, looks out for your well being, teaches you, pours her life in to yours and sacrifices for you, be abundantly thankful.

This is me with Emmie.  God blessed me with her for my step-mom when I was just 14.  She taught me how to love and how to be a Mom.  She was the Godly example I needed to transform in to the type of wife and mother God needed me to be.  He's still not finished with me yet. ;)

God took her home in 1997.  I miss her every day.

Be thankful for your mom, no matter what!