Happy New Year!

As I sit here typing this post, it is still December 30th, 2011.  This year, as part of my husband's Christmas present was an "instant watch" plan through Netflix.  While we've really enjoyed watching TV episodes we've missed in the past 4 years, I am enjoying watching Disney's A Christmas Carol.  I know there are so many different renditions out there, but there is a reason I like this one as much as I do.  You see, my daughter found our leather bound copy of Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" and has been reading it to us every so often through this season.  We've enjoyed seeing if the story Mr. Dickens had written was adhered to with the Disney rendition.  I suspect that the further we get in to the Dickens story, we'll find some discrepancies. 

I like watching the Disney rendition, not because I enjoy watching a person suffer and wallow in their own selfish bitterness, but because I've noticed subtle nuances and not so subtle references to the true meaning of Christmas.  THE CROSS on the steeple of a church is flown upon, hovered over, and it's image reverently paused and viewed with a twinkle in the eye of both Scrooge and the ghost of Christmas present.  This is not the only reference, my friends!  Christmas carols are sung throughout!  "Joy to the World, the LORD is come!" 

Why, then, do I bring this up?  Disney is a worldly organization.  This surprises me, pleasantly so, I might admit.  I think that with every passing year, there is a movie/DVD that sticks out in my mind and touches my heart more than most.  This year, it is this one.  I've watched it 3 times now.  The computer graphics are amazing!  But, that isn't why I like the movie.  That little tidbit just lends itself to only a part of the whole reason. 

Already, we're discussing next Christmas.  We're taking of having a Christmas Party/Game night.  I'm not sure how this will eventually develop, but I love the idea!  I've asked every member of my family 2 questions and I've received some surprising answers.

1. What did you like most about this Christmas?
2. What would you like to do differently (not to be confused with "what didn't you like?")

Some of the answers for the first one was, "Everything", "Decorating the Basement with all the Lights", "Going to Church on Christmas Eve with our Daddy and friends," "Christmas Dinner"

Some of the answers for the 2nd one were, "Game night", "More Lights", "More lights on the outside of the house", "A Real Tree (oddly enough...came from my husband)."

I don't think, nor remember answering the questions for those listening at the time.  However, I will list them here now.

1. I liked most-doing all the usual Christmas preparations with all of my family.  I don't like excluding anyone, especially my husband even if he has to be at work. 
2. I would have begun Christmas preparations earlier.  I would have made more time for talking with others, spending time with them. 

I would like to do more for others.  I've always loved giving.  I would like to give more of my time at a food pantry or home less shelter, with my husband and children.  I don't know of any places here where we live, but I'm sure those doors would greatly open so we could walk through them, with some prayer.

There are lots of things to do and re-evaluate in the days to come.  For me, I'll be re-training our children in their chore changes.  We need to make sure they know what to do and are very clear with directions. 

I also have end of the year tax information to gather.  It shouldn't be as labor intensive this year since I've used Quicken, so hopefully things will not take as much time. 

As I re-evaluate things this next week or so, I'll share my thought morsels with all of you.  :) 

Income Tax Time

As I've spent today, off and on trying to go through all of our income tax information to double check and be possitively sure that everything is correct, I've found so many of my own mistakes.  These mistakes require me to reassess everything in Quicken.  Every.  Single.  Category.  And.  Entry.  I've found that there was one receipt I'd kept with a card plan just in case something gets broken.  This has totals on it that we'd spent on JL's birthday gift this past year.  I forgot how much it was and that I didn't enter it.  When looking at the totals for gifts for the year, I've found that his total was the lowest for that reason.  Now, I know he wouldn't care.  But, I do.  It isn't so much that his total was the lowest.  It is just that I know.  I report everything to my husband with regard to the running of the home and family, so I need to show him accurate records. 

This is just one example of what I've needed to do.  There's more.  Lots more.  But, with working on it little by little each day, I'll get it done and taken care of. 

Fortunately, I've already purchased my nice new receipt holder for 2012.  :)   How about you?  How do you keep track of your spending and receipts?

For JL's Benefit...

Please bear with me. I'm showing my youngest about picture placemtn and stuff like that. LOL

Since we like Star Wars here at our house, I figured it was appropriate to add this picture for my 12 year old son.  :) 

Nunca Nada

After almost twenty-two years and I still remember some Spanish! I left San Diego, California after my hubby and I married in the Spring of 1990. After using Spanish on a daily basis to using it very few times a YEAR, I know without a doubt that I've lost a lot of my knowledge of Spanish. However, I do know that when you use a "double negative" it intensifies the statement.



If you look up the words "Nunca" & "Nada" in a Spanish translator you'll see the following:



Never and Nothing



For me, this is the only time of the year I use the two words together. Never nothing to me means that I will never "Resolve" nothing or anything in the "New Year." I get excited about the prospects of new year. Don't get me wrong. The newness, the anticipation of excitement of neat new wonderful plans is absolutely magnificently wonderful to me. (Yes, I used the word "wonderful" twice in a sentence. LOL)



We receive gardening catalogs throughout December that we start looking through around Christmas or thereafter. We start planning what we're going to order for our garden, discussing the changes we'll be making as well as the larger purchases we'll need to make this coming Spring.



Along with all this planning comes the realization that our children are getting older and most of the physical work related to gardening has fallen on to the children, mostly by their own request. This year is going to be a little bit different. All three of our children are hoping to work for our friends at their farm. This means that the morning chores will be up to my husband and I after either of us get back from taking the children to their farm. I think it's a good thing though. It will give us a taste of what things will be like in about 10 years, God willing, when they have homes of their own.



Now, if I don't make resolutions in the New Year, what do I do?



I'm glad you asked!

• I already know that I need to lose weight, so I save myself some disappointment and not resolve to lose weight. I grant myself grace, forgive myself and set smaller, more obtainable goals for myself.  Every day, every week, every month, I work toward eating healthier, moving more and working on my physical body.  My goal has always been to be healthier, not to have an unhealthy view of what my body “should” look like, but working toward better health.  I fall, just like everyone else does, but I also allow myself 2 small pieces of chocolate every day.  Some days I don’t want it.  Other days I do.  Does this mean I eat at unhealthy diet?  No!  I just had leftover chicken, veggie and potato casserole for breakfast!  I love it!  It makes me feel so much better than a “traditional breakfast” of pancakes and syrup, oatmeal, cream of wheat, waffles or cereal would.  I don’t like eating the above breakfasts any more due to the fact that I feel sick to my stomach in an hour and need to eat something with protein in it.  I know it is due to my blood sugar plummeting, so I’m just circumventing that from happening by eating dinner leftovers for breakfast. 

• I already know that I need to work with my children on their school work. I save myself the unrealistic expectations, doing the best I can with each day I've been given, to teach my children what I need to teach them. Do I fall? Yes! I fall every single day! But, to make a resolution that is so very unrealistic for myself and my children sets all of us up for failure. Believe me! I've done it before and it "ain't" purdy!

• I already know that I'd like to grow closer to my Lord and my Savior. I love reading my scriptures! Yes! I do! My wonderful thoughtful hubby bought me an NKJV Woman's Devotional Bible for Christmas. See:

 It is still in the box in this picture, but it is leather bound in a beautiful fushia and tan with scrolling on it. It's beautiful! Now comes the laborious task of going through it page by page with hubby's Bible side by side noting and highlighting the verses I've highlighted and noted in his Bible. He laughed at me when I said that. But he knew exactly what I meant. I just want to do it with a variety of highlighter colors this time and assign each color to a type of verse. I learned this idea from reading Elizabeth George's book,  






 My goal is to begin doing this after I get our income taxes filed.

.

• I already know that we have financial goals, which really don't change much with each passing pay period. They adjust a little bit here and there if something comes up needing to be taken care of, like needing to rip out mold covered wood in the basement and putting in French Drains.

Many of our conversations through the year revolve around a "when" timeframe. We have discontinued the New Year's Resolution in favor of simply setting goals, reassessing their progress and readjusting as needed, or if need be...pitching them altogether. LOL

Why not a resolution? In God's word it says to "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." If I need to do this, I need to love myself. If I need to love myself, I need to forgive myself, release guilt and move on. Right? Before I can love my neighbor, I need to let go of all this other unholy, ungodly "baggage", grant myself some grace and stop beating myself up. Resolutions, at least for me, do not lend themselves to the "loving myself" idea, so I've stopped making them altogether.

If Jesus loves me unconditionally and doesn't place unrealistic expectations on me, why should I do that to myself?  

Our Christmas Season

I've gone back through all the pictures on the camera and really, I can't understand why there are not any more pictures that were taken during this season!  *Gasp*  Am I THAT bad?!  Wow!

So, I humbly share what we have taken during this season. 

When we realized our favorite tree lot wasn't open this year, JL was reminded of this sweet little tree in the back yard, just in to the wood line.  He said, "Mom, we have a tree that we can use!  Remember!"  He went out to take pictures of it and brought it in to show me.  I asked him if we would call this one our "Charlie Brown" tree.  LOL  We laughed and laughed.  Daddy said to leave the tree there, unfortunately for JL.  He wanted to dig the tree up to bring in to the house for our Christmas tree. 

During the month, we had a "G" family pizza night where Daddy took the helm of rolling out the dough.

Everyone was busy.  It is usually "all hands on deck" on Pizza Nights.  With my carpel tunnel problems and no mixer, Hubby has been a dear and stepped up to take my place when I can't do as much.

Regina's Pizza Dough

3 TBSP Yeast
3 Cups Warm Water (105-115*F)
7 ½ Cups Flour
6 TBSP Olive Oil
3 tsp Sugar
3 tsp Salt
1 TBSP EACH of Basil, Parmesan Cheese & Fresh or Powdered Garlic

Disolve yeast in mixing bowl with water. Stir in remaining ingredients; beat vigorously. Let rest 5 minutes. Roll out in shape of choice. Bake at 450*F for 15-20 minutes or until crust is brown and cheese is bubbling.

This recipe will make 2 pizzas in the largest sheet pans you can find. Wal-Mart doesn't carry these pans that you see here. However, if all you have is a large Wal-Mart cookie sheet, this recipe will do 4 of those. :)

For the Mexican Pizza, we omit the Basil and add 2 TBSP Corn Meal and 1 TBSP Cilantro and knead that in by hand.  When rolling it out, roll it out on Corn Meal instead of flour.  Layer the toppings in this order:  Refried Beans, Salsa, Taco Meat, Cheddar Cheese and Onions.  Sometimes we put olives on it, but most of the time we don't.  Bake as specified above, when it comes out, put 2 tsp of sour cream per piece of pizza on top.  :) 

Watching a movie on Netflix together. :)

As a couple days went by, we quickly realized that we would need to find another source for our tree.  The lot wasn't open on the first weekend of December and I honestly didn't want to wait until the 2nd weekend to get a tree.  Hubby mentioned seeing about other tree lots, so I called and unfortunately the tree prices were double what we'd paid at the other tree lot.  We discussed it and one afternoon when Hubby had a migraine, he told me to go ahead on out and find us a tree.  I took the wratchet straps "just in case" and off we went.  I was thinking that if I didn't like any of the trees that I liked at the local superdoopergeteverythingunderthesun store, we'd go pay double what we usually pay.  The plan was already cleared with Hubby, so I had some freedom in the decision making process. 

As we were driving around, the most "vocal" of the children about getting a fake tree was the oldest.  He was not at all happy about getting a fake tree and respectfully made it known to me.  Little did I know that the one child this decision MOST affected was my daughter.  I didn't know how she felt about it until the tree was home and I noticed a melancholy look on her face when she voluntarily went to work to make the tree's branches look more natural.

She said, "It will never be the same, Mom!  I always loved going to the tree place and picking out our tree."  I reassured her that things will be fine.  She'll see.  As the season has passed, they were fine and continue to be so.  We won't be throwing the tree out this year to be burned in mid January, but it will be wrapped up and put in the attic with the rest of the Christmas decorations.  The time had come to make a little bit of a change and the one who was most welcoming to the change was JL.  He was ready to not have to have the chore of watering the tree every day because he was the smallest.  I'll accept that as a very good reason!  :)

This was our tree fully decorated and all the presents under neath it...well, except what Daddy bought.  Considering we are a family who hunts, Daddy felt it was an appropriate gift for the children to get them "Airsoft Handguns".  He bought each of the children one because he didn't want any of them to feel "left out".  What a wonderful "hit" [literally speaking---pun intended] they were!  I jokingly said, "Now watch, they'll say, 'Daddy, let's play!' all while standing right behind you, pointing their Airsoft Guns at you."  Four people in the house, excluding yours truly, now have welts on their bodies from their "play time".  LOL 

I think I like this picture best.  I love Christmas!  We've listened to Christmas carols and songs to our heart's content this year.  We've not watched as many Christmas shows as we would have liked, but that's alright.  Our year this year, in my opinion, was a bit more laid back, a bit more pensive and a lot more family time-oriented than I think previous years have been.  I've learned a lot of things this year.  Many things I never knew that were traditions that we've tried to keep, but for whatever reason, they just didn't stay to be kept this year.  I would love to say that we served others as much as we possibly could, which is truly my heart's desire, but we didn't do much outside of our own home this year.  I think this year has been truly pivotal for both my husband and myself.  He's been really questioning all the expense and extent of all of our Christmas decorations.  Are they truly necessary and wanted/desired?  I think I'm in the same place.  I'll be questioning each decoration as they get packed away and the others that didn't make an appearance this year.  As much as I love decorating for Christmas, I also want to go overboard and I certainly don't want to be a slave to the decorations.  I have considered what I'd like to do and it is just simple evergreens, bows, angels, candles and a beautiful nativity.  We didn't find a tree topper angel this year that I liked, but my husband did find me a beautiful angel nonetheless.  I love it. 

Close your eyes!  No peeking until we say so!

Look at those faces!  Simplicity!  I love it!

He knew I'd be taking pictures, so he donned his stocking cap.  LOL  I found his favorite--Chocolate Covered Cherries!  :) 

And my Hubby bought me a beatuiful winter angel.  She was breathtakingly beautiful.  Biscuit, tucked under my arm, enjoyed the festivities too.  LOL 

This is perhaps one of my favorite pictures.  Our oldest son, DA and daughter, HJ pooled their money together to get this nerf gun with ammunition for their younger brother.  I love seeing the look of satisfaction on her face, knowing that she did good picking out something for him.  And, the look of pleasant surprise on his face.  What a wonderful memory this created for me!  My children giving, thinking of other's needs and wants first before their own.  What a wonderful blessing!

While I mentioned above that this Christmas has been a pensive one, thoughts of the future dance and twirl their way through our minds.  We are coming quickly upon the 2 year mark for my husband to be able to retire from working with the state at the corrections fascility.  We're excited and overwhelmed at the thought of moving again.  We're hoping to relocate somewhere warm, where we'll have less problems with our arthritis.  As I type this, my heart's desire is to serve the Lord wherever He places us.  My husband's desire is to be somewhere within an hour or so from the ocean.  We really don't have any family to move to, only more south than we are here in PA.  My IL's live in Florida, but my husband doesn't want to move that far south.  He's afraid of the heat.  He doens't do well with the heat.  I am so very excited because my husband will no longer be employed as a prison guard.  I'll have my husband back.   Praise God!  We've been talking about what we'll do with our time and much of what we'll do will be the same, while many things will be different.  I look forward to serving God with my husband in a church, more.

Wholeness and Self Worth

Adult survivors of child abuse, boy that certainly sounds rather depressing, doesn’t it?  Well, that is what I am.  I am also a survivor of spousal abuse.  It certainly sounds like I’ve had a depressing life.  I haven’t, honestly.  Let me elaborate and reassure you that none of this affects who I am now.  Or, maybe it does?  J

Forewarning: While this post is about being an adult survivor of child abuse, you will not find any of the circumstances elaborated on in this post. 

I love how the Lord has providentially brought me to where I am now.  None of it has ever been easy.   Looking back and reviewing all the occurrences of my life, I can see God’s hand protecting me, guiding me and directing me, even in my darkest of hours. 

I will say that the time of my childhood abuse was relatively short in the grand scheme of things.   My parents divorced in 1983 when I was 13.  My mother was always held back by my father’s presence when they were married, so once they divorced, my father was no longer around, which gave my mother the “permission” (or so she thought) to do whatever she wanted.  A little history, as I have spoken with cousins and aunts about the situation with my mother through the years, I’ve found out more information that helps to put my mother’s condition in to better perspective.  From what I understand, my mother had a head injury when she was little and she apparently did not recover well.  When she was in her early teens, she contracted an interesting case of influenza.  She never fully recovered.  It also affected her brain and her thought processes.  For those of you who may read here and are spiritually aware of various situations, it is as if my mother has a “veil of blindness” over her.  Another cousin mentioned this to me and it certainly makes sense.  I know God is one who heals.  I also know that God is one who allows certain situations to occur to bring people closer to Himself.  I fully believe this is the case in my life and in the lives of my mother, sister, and brother as well as everyone whose lives have been touched by my mother. 

The more I understand and seek God’s understanding for my mother’s condition; the physical and mental abuse that I encountered under her hands is put in to perspective for me.  She was dropped on her head as a small child/babe in arms.  Some, if not most, family members do not know this.  I only found this out recently through talking about family history with a cousin.  She said that as a young child, she walked in to a room where the adults were talking about my mother being dropped on her head and all the things they were dealing with due to my Mother's condition.    Couple that with physical and mental abuse she sustained as a child as well as the influenza as an early teen, it causes my heart to weep for her. 

To give you a bit of a glimpse of how she thinks, as I type this, she hadn’t spoken to me for over 3 years until about 3 weeks ago.  In July of 2008, my daughter broke her leg.  For some reason, when it comes to my daughter, she is a trigger for my mother to remember that she hasn’t seen her in a long time.  My mother wanted to come out here to PA from South Dakota on a *one way* ticket.  I told her that I needed to talk with my husband about it and that I would get back to her.  She assumed it would be an “I’ll call you back right away and tell you” type of situation which it wasn’t.  My husband was in the middle of working with an electrical job in the garage and not able to put anything down to really talk everything through.  I presented it to him and he said he’d think about it.  I tried calling my mother the next day to no response.  Two days later, she finally answered her phone and before I could tell her that she could come, if she could get the other half of her ticket, she got angry with me for not calling back right away, accused my husband of not loving her and hung up the phone on me. 

This type of thinking process caused over 3 years of bitterness, not willing to listen or respect the fact that she needed to give my husband time to think.  The world revolves around her, what she says, everyone should do or they get written off and not spoken to again.  That is, until my aunt and I manipulated a time where we could call and talk with her while she was at my aunt’s house.   She was very bitter with me.  I could hear it in her voice.  My husband and I had been sending her grocery money for a couple months, as well as care packages, which I thought would soften her heart, but even after that, the bitterness and anger could have been cut with a knife.  She was having angioplasty done the following day and we wanted her to know that we loved her and that we were praying for her.  She spoke with the children at length that day after I spoke with her for the first time in over 3 years.

After over 3 years of her bitterness, not sending any birthday cards to her grandchildren, a letter or Christmas cards, just a couple days ago there was an envelope from her in the mail, addressed to the children.  She enclosed a picture, said “Merry Christmas” and signed it “Grandma”.  Not Love, Grandma.  But, I look at this as a positive step, a good step for her.  Our prayers are working. 

One of the most difficult things for me is realizing that I will never have the type of relationship with my mother or my sister (see here) [more on that later] that I would love to have.  I read about these types of relationships that people have with one another where they do the most wonderful things with their mothers and their siblings.  The celebrations are wonderful and love abounds.  I long for that type of relationship with my mother and sister, but it grieves me to know that I will always and consistently be manipulated, resented, the thought of me, my life, what I stand for, my children and my husband of almost 22 years embitters them for whatever reason, I don’t know.  It pains me to think that it is my own life choices that embitter them.   I will always choose the life of serving my Lord over anything else.  Oddly enough, if they only knew that this life choice of my own has taken so much sheer work, sacrificial love, and pushing my own selfishness aside, they may not be so envious.  It is so very easy to think of number 1 first and let the chips fall where they may.  It is so much more rewarding to think of others first above oneself.  Yes, it is difficult, but yes, so very rewarding! :)

My heart weeps with such sorrow because they will never willingly know that love due to the spiritual blinders or the veil of blindness over them, unless God steps in and supernaturally changes them.

My prayer for them both is that they will find the author of love, life and salvation in all His simplicity, accept His free gift and grow in the love that He offers to them.  Although I’ve forgiven them, I also pray for truly reconciled relationships based on the love of Christ, not superficial reconciliation with fake smiles plastered on faces. 

This was November 2003 when my mother was in the hospital.  My older brother Bill is on the left, my sister Evelyn is on the right behind my mother and I am on the near right.  I went out to see her when I received a phone call from my brother and sister letting me know that she may not make it.

This is what she looks like today-2011.

I’m not seeking acceptance or love from them.  I am seeking my Lord for their salvation.  At this point, that is all the desire of my heart seeks for.  Once they cross over to eternity, the veil of blindness will fall off and truth will be known then.  I’m mostly concerned for seeing all of my family in eternity.

My heart's desire has changed over the years for them.  While I would love to have that edifying, loving, relationship with them, I am not desiring that above all else. That would be putting other things before my Lord and I am not willing to do that.  I am fully aware that the Lord gives everyone their own agency and choice to accept Him or reject Him in their lives here on earth.  I have to say that I have separated my own heart from them in that I don't let their bitterness, resentment and manipulations bother me.  I think this is a very healthy step toward wholeness and self worth.  I've found my own self worth in my Lord, instead of what others think of me, which is a good thing. 

I continue to pray for their salvation, not out of guilt, or needing their approval, but out of love. 

Christmas Traditions

My dear friend, Heather, posted about Christmas traditions, what she'd hoped for and what is reality.  I know that I have hoped for Christmas traditions too, but would like to show what reality looks like with us.

Every year, no matter what, in mid-November the weather is delightful with just a bit of a nip in the air.  It is perfect for putting up outside decorations, but not turning them on until the day after Thanksgiving.  I know that many of my neighbors and those of our little community take advantage of that lovely weather.  We don't.  I laugh about it because my husband absolutely LOVES decorating outside in the colder December chill.  This year is a little different, however.  A couple days ago we were talking about it and he just mentioned that since our trip to Florida last year and not decorating much at all, he's really just not "in to" decorating outside this year.  I guess our trip last year affected more than just me, huh?

I love getting our Christmas tree.  I would love to have it up the day after Thanksgiving so we can get all the bins and wrapping paraphernalia out of the living room, clean up and just enjoy the season without being concerned about the mess.  But, alas, this year we didn't get a real tree.  The tree place that we usually go to hasn't opened, at least to this point.  We were really wanting to get the tree up, so we looked around at other places, but the prices were more expensive.  The math going through my head and it was time to buy a prelit tree from the store and be done with it.

Little did I know or realize that the purchase of this tree would affect my 2 older children the way it has.  They have fond memories of going to the tree place and picking out our real tree.  They love to smell the evergreen smell and they love having to water the tree every day.  They didn't care about the leftover pine needles at the end of the season.  As much as I loved the thought of no needle clean up, spilled water and a tree sitting out in the frigid January snow by the front door until it was a little warmer to go down and burn it in the burn pile, my children loved it.  I burst their holiday tradition bubble simply by buying a fake tree out of need for my own desire to keep things a little cleaner and have more control over when the tree goes up.  It seems a little petty.  I honestly didn't seek to upset them so.  I didn't realize the tradition meant so much to them.  It was just time to get a tree from the store. 

Much like change in anyone's life, we don't really know how it will affect us or our families until after it occurs.

I would love to trek off in to the woods behind our house and get the perfect tree, but the woods are not our property.  I remember going out in the woods with my Dad to get our Christmas tree.  I had so much fun treking through the snow in the cold, having hot cocoa when we got back home alone with that wonderful runny nose that you get when you come in from being out in the super cold weather. 

Things change with time, our families change, our needs change.  One tradition that we've had ever since we were dating (yes, my husband and I dated), was that after Christmas Eve service at church, we went out to look at Christmas lights after stopping off at a convenience store to get hot cocoa or cappucino while listening to Christmas music on the radio.  We've done this every year, with few exceptions.  There have been years when my hubby couldn't get off work on Christmas Eve, so the children and I would do the same thing, but a little abbreviated, then head home.  Some times we'd do it on hubby's day off, but nonetheless, it was an important tradition to us. 

Another tradition that we do is bake and bake and bake tons of cookies for the neighbors, pastor, Dr's office and some quick breads for the mail man and others.  We're not doing that so much this year.  I'm realizing very much so, how much I relied on my mixer.  Carpal Tunnel issues become quite a hindrance to making cookies, pizza dough and bread. 

On Christmas Eve morning, we make our silver white cake and freeze it.  We also make our sour cream coffee cake for Christmas morning.  This year it is especially important since we have church on Christmas morning.  The ham will go in to the roaster before we leave.  After we get home, we'll have lunch, then get the potatoes boiled for Au Gratin Potatoes.  We'll make the white frosting and decorate the white cake.  We'll get the veggie casserole in the oven too.  All while enjoying time together with our children.  What about presents this year?  We will give those presents out, but we haven't decided when yet.  We may wait until after church.  For the first time in years, my children will not receive toys from us.  What a bittersweet moment for this Momma's heart.  But, I think we have enough Nerf guns in our house for each family member to have at least one.  We could do a rousing Nerf gun battle!  LOL  That would be a family first for us!  LOL 

Usually when we wake up on Christmas morning, we make a pot of coffee and when Momma and Daddy have their coffee, we go open gifts to one another as a family.  It is a very quiet morning without any rushing or needing to go to this family member's house or that family member's house.  It is a little sad for us, but over the years we've become accustomed to the peacefulness.  We started staying home on Christmas mornings from the very beginning of our marriage.  My dear sweet MIL wanted us to come for Christmas breakfast, but I told her that we were going to have our own Christmas in the morning, then we'd be over in the evening for dinner.  Since they've moved to Florida, we haven't seen them for Christmas as often as we'd like.  I know that I miss family gatherings.  But there isn't much we can do about it at this point in time.  I have truly loved staying home for Christmas, but there is just something about seeing family for the holidays. 

Things

I am so very blessed when I sit down in the mornings to enter our business affairs in to the checkbook and to Quicken. Once those things are done, I can visit and read blogs before it is my turn to go do the things that are needful around my home. I am reminded of so many wonderful things that I am so thankful for....little eyes, eyelashes, snuggle times, movie times, reading times, prayer times, and times of wonder and beauty.

These wonderful moments so lovingly emblazoned in my own memory of my children, my husband, my own parents, my husband's parents and brother are so very dear to my heart. I am so very blessed with those memories. I have very few memories of my own siblings and mother during my own adulthood because we each live so far from one another, unfortunately. When you have people under your roof to care for, those lovely ones take precedence over traveling 2000 miles one way to see people with money one doesn't have. Does it mean we love any less? No. We have a Biblical mandate to care for the needs of those placed under our care. That comes first, always. Some people may use credit to take vacations, then pay it off after the vacation is over. In an all cash system, if the money isn't there to take vacations, then we don't go. It is so very simple. In our all cash system, planning must be a part of things. This is where the heart strings get wrenched and tugged for me.

How does one travel to see loved ones inexpensively with a family? We have traveled to Florida, stopping to stay the night at friends' houses at the half way mark. I love reasons to stop and visit, love on and spend time with precious friends. These are things that make my heart the happiest of all. I can treasure the times that I've spent with precious friends. I do treasure those times so very sweetly. My husband has so lovingly placed restrictions upon my friend visiting. If it were up to me, we'd stop and visit every friend between here and the ends of the earth, leaving hugs and happy tears of joy along the way. These are things that give me such joy. We do have time restrictions when we go places, unfortunately. This is why my husband tells me that we can only visit ( # of friends) on any given trip. *sigh* A couple days ago he was sitting with me on the couch while I read on facebook. He asked me how many friends I had. I would love to visit everyone.

To visit family brings up so many things that I would honestly like to forget.  Those things at times are still stirred up and some family members not so very welcoming.  While I have forgiven and moved on, the turmoil in relationships remain due to a variety of reasons.  The times like this makes me reflect upon the fact that we cannot change others, to make them grow and understand how we’ve grown in the last 20 years and agree with all that we do in our life’s choices.  Their world view, religious and political convictions are not the same or remotely close to ours.  The struggle to find common ground is difficult.  Things like this make traveling to see family like I’ve described that you haven’t seen in years so very difficult.   There is something within each of us, I’m sure, that is “obligatory” in nature that feels the need to introduce our children to those family members.  There is a nature within my husband to want to protect his family from jabs, barbs and snide comments from family members who know nothing of how we’ve raised our children, our faith, our beliefs and home schooling practices.  We’ve lived all of our adult lives for the most part, without family living around us.  We have no one who is related to us, even distantly, who lives anywhere near us.  Grandparents do not come over every week, nor do we go to their house every week to enjoy one another’s company.  My heart is so very torn.   I would love to have that type of a relationship with family, but it isn’t possible for geographical reasons, nor is it possible due to such stark differences in beliefs about everything.   I am not one to verbally attack someone.  I love deeply from my heart in word and in deed.  The words I type may be misunderstood at times, but if you have ever heard my voice and spoke with me, you’d know that my words are loving and kind, not accusatory.  The gifts I give are from my heart.  I truly believe that my husband doesn’t want to see me deeply hurt by the above mentioned family members any more than is necessary. 

What amount is necessary?   It depends on the relationship between the family members.  It also depends on the type of communication the other family members use…aka…foul language.  Do we want our children around that all the time?  *sigh*  No.  Many would argue that we should go among them and be a shining light.  While it is true, we would have great religious persecution in a variety of forms, as responsible parents, we are not willing to put our children through that.

What about forgiveness?   There is forgiveness.  However, with forgiveness comes the need to set boundaries.  This is healthy.  Turning the other cheek has its place, but in family relationships that are abusive in nature, one has a personal responsibility to not only protect the innocent from the potential abuse, but also to be courageous enough to stand up to the abuser and say, “this is not right and you will not treat me/us this way.  If you continue to do so, we will not be a part of your life.”  The book Boundaries is all about setting up limitations for your own protection and the protection of your own precious children. 

What about love?   In scripture it tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  Scripture also tells us that families will be at odds with one another.  Father against son, mother against daughter, sister against brother, father-in-law against son-in-law and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law.  Does this mean that to show someone we love them that we take their abusiveness like the doormat on the front step?  No!  Love is not rude!  Love does no harm! 

While my husband and I have decisively taken steps to stop the cycle of abuse, it still hurts to know that the abuse and manipulation is still occurring.  How does one not feel guilt when we decide to use our money to buy a new furnace instead of going to see family that we haven’t seen in a long time?  I know the decision is pretty obvious that we need to buy a new furnace over going to see family, but the guilt remains.  Then there are those who say, “Don’t wait to go see a loved one and make amends.”  *sigh*  What if that loved one doesn’t want to make amends?   Do you truly shake the dust off your feet and move on? 

While we will not go to their homes and see these family members this next year, we’ll still take small trips.  I’m hoping to take a small trip to Missouri to hug a precious friend and hopefully see a couple cousins.  If the family members who are further away than we can financially travel, they have the choice of meeting us in the middle.  It is as simple as placing limitations on what one can feasibly do and giving options to others, making choices and accepting one’s own limited ability to do more.  (Admittedly, I need to work on this guilt thing, too.)  I’m also hoping to visit the PA Grand Canyon and stay overnight, meeting another precious friend there.  I know these wonderful friends are not family.  I know it isn’t fulfilling any “family” obligations, but it is keeping things in perspective.  The needful things will come first.  Then we do what we can. 

Down to the River to Pray

I love this song by Alison Krauss.  I go down to the river to pray, but not in it.  I walk and pray.  Why?  I've been blessed to have been baptized already, just like it was shown in the video.  Please page down to the bottom of the page and turn off the Christmas music before playing this video. 

This song plays through my mind as I'm walking and praying.  I use this precious time to talk with my Lord about things that are especially difficult at the time.  I listen and just take in the sights, sounds and smells.  The scent of the river and the woods is as close to heavenly as I have ever experienced, so it blesses my soul to have this wonderful place to walk and bear my deepest soul's longings to my heavenly father.  Can I do it elsewhere?  Of course!  But I feel so very much closer to my heavenly home when I'm walking along the river talking with God.  It makes the concerns of my life here on earth so much easier to bear.  So if you see me walking and talking to myself, just smile and wave.   I'm just talking to my Lord. 

Thankfulness

As promised, I thought I would share some breathtaking shots of not only a few of our CHRISTmas decorations, but the areas around our house. Usually I go outside to take pictures of the sunrise, but I loved how the sun was coming up behind my little church in the bay window. You can see the heavy frost on the grass and in the field beyond. It is so very cold out this morning. When my husband checked the temperature, it was 21*F. Brrrr! So this picture is perfect, especially for the crisp coldness outside and the warmth the inside of the house brings. :)

This is just to the left a bit from the picture above, but without a flash. The frost is absolutely beautiful! It is covering the trees and makes such a lovely landscape.  J

This is the view from my dining room window toward the back yard. The sun isn't completely up above the trees yet, but I just love how our yard looks, so crisp and lovely.

I don't know if you can tell or not, but I like snowmen and angels. J Our mantle is decorated for Christmas. There are only a few stockings missing.

I you haven't noticed by this point in reading my blog, I've changed the music to my Christmas playlist. It is located at the bottom of the page. If you take a look at it, you'll see that our Christmas picture from last year is on it. We were in Florida for Christmas last year and the picture was taken from the steps looking down at my in-law's house.

I have Pumpkin Rolls planned to make today. I'll make 4 of them and take 2 to share with the lovely ladies at our home school group on Monday. So far this year has proven to be so very much different than years past without my mixer. It has given me such an appreciation for how much easier things were with it's availability. Because we're not on a credit system in our home, but a cash system, we need to save money for buying another one. My husband mentioned finding one on ebay, but they are selling for close to what the new one's cost, so it doesn't make sense to get one now, but to just buy a new one when we have all the money saved and earmarked for it. I'd like to buy a food processor to go with it as well, so I don't have to buy one separately. I am also planning to purchase the pasta maker to make whole grain pastas as well as the meat grinder to make our own deer sausage. They sell casings down at the little corner store up the road, so that isn't a problem. I'm moving toward making things that are increasingly healthier for my family and replacing my mixer with the attachments I need to make that a possibility is well worth the monitary investment because we're investing in our health. You can find all the Bosche Universal products at pleasanthillgrains.com. By far, the Bosche Universal has a bigger, more powerful motor at 800 watts than any of the Kitchen Aid Mixers.

This was my Bosche Universal.  I had it for 12 years.  It was by far the best mixer I have ever had and worth it's weight in gold.  If you're anything like me, baking in bulk and freezing the extras to save some money, this brand of mixer is worth the money paid for it.  Considering the amount of baking we do, to do the same amount with an inferior mixer would take us through a mixer each year at $50 each.  If you multiply that by how many years I had my Boshe, that is $600!!!  Using my Bosche saved us so much time and money that it paid for itself within one year's usage.  It will be sorely missed this Christmas season.  I know I will have another one within a few months, so I'm ok without it for a little while.  I know another one will be here soon enough.  In the mean time, we do smaller batches and the convenience of having the frozen items ready to pull out of the freezer will not be there so much.  When we get the new one, we'll have some making up to do.  LOL   I love the thought of having muffins, pancakes, waffles and tortillas in the freezer ready to pull out when we need them.  I enjoy knowing what has gone in to our foods because I've seen them added to the mixing bowl. 

My loving husband told me that we have 3 kids who could do all the mixing for me due to my carpal tunnel problems.  I love the thought of training my children in how to do things without the simple conveniences of electronic devices.  This gives them such a valuable experience for their future.  I know my daughter is beginning to enjoy preparing foods and making things look "pretty".  The practice of making things by hand is very good for her.

The day she made this, she made it for her brothers to enjoy. The tortilla is a Sun Dried Tomato Basil tortilla with her  own home made guacamole in it. She garnished it with a slice of jalapeno, pesto, tomato slice and orange zest.  Her brothers were so very thankful for her thoughtfulness! 

As with everything else, we're so very thankful for God's provision for us, not because we deserve any of these blessings, but because we don't deserve such wonderful blessings.  We love and serve an awesome, loving, wonderful heavenly Father who sees to our every need and our wants too.  What a blessing!

Warmth

As I sit here, the moving cord to my laptop catches my eye.  I look down by my feet to find a warm fuzzy fellow moving his nose around.

He always finds his way around my feet no matter where I am.  He even follows me to the laundry room where the floor is cold and he lays down on some unsuspecting pile of sorted laundry that may be on the floor.  If he can't find one, a basket does just fine to prop his head on to watch me go about my day. 

The other little fellow is curled up in a blanket somewhere staying warm.  'Tis the season to stay warm.  This morning my beloved went out to look for good areas to take our oldest son hunting.  He came back and shivered as he came in the door telling me that it was 22*F outside.  Brrrrrr!

I turn around right now at 10:30AM to look out my dining room window to see the sun shining on the back porch roof and the steam is rising off of it from the very heavy frost we had last night.  There are still patches of frost in the front yard where my Suburban shades the grass.  We've had snow the past couple of days, but nothing stayed, just the grass was heavily frosted this morning.  Waking up to such crispness is breathtaking.  The sun rises far to the right of my bay window now, so I don't have to hide my eyes in the morning when the sun rises to greet me. 

This morning my rising time was 5:30.  I don't willingly get up at 5:30, but my body decides it doesn't need any more sleep and I'm awake amidst brain fogginess and desires for a few more moments of sleep that my body doesn't want to give me.  Stiffness and soreness this morning wasn't as bad as it has been in days past.  My body is working against me some days. 

The dawn chorus looks a little different these days.  The cackling of blue jays replace all the variety of spring birds that grace our trees.  They've gone south already, thankfully for them.  The crispness in the air isn't fit for them.  The blue jays, though, are so hearty that they overwinter here.  They drink the drips of water off the overhang during the winter when the sun shines on the snow.  We've enjoyed watching these incredible creatures.  Such beauty amidst such cold is such a blessing.

It was chilly this morning when I came downstairs.  I grabbed 2 of my blankets and curled up with a pillow on my lap to hold up my husband's Bible so I can see the words.  I feel the warmth coming over me from the inside and the outside.  The Lord so graciously warming my spirit with His love, and the blessing of snuggle blankets warming my cold frame from the outside.  As I sit and enjoy the glowing warmth the Lord has blessed me with, my beloved stirs and stifly makes his way down the steps.  I can tell before I see him that his back is hurting from his fall last week.  I say a quick prayer for him to make an appointment with the chiropractor.  The other petitions need to wait until I'm alone with my Father.


He heads to the kitchen and from there asks which cup is his and which is mine.  I've already put the creamer and sugar in his as well as mine, but we each use different sweetners.  Mine he doesn't like.  As he comes in to the living room, he puts a cup down next to me and says, "This one is your's, right?" amidst his sleepiness.  I thank him and confirm that it is indeed my intended cup.  He shuffles his tall manly frame to select a special quilt to cover himself while he checks his email, reads the news and enjoys his cup of warm coffee. 

After a bit, he rises and lets me know that he's going out to check good hunting sites.  While he's gone, I wake the children.  They're chilled too.  JL asks if we're going anywhere today.  I asked him why, knowing full well that he wants to built a fire in the fireplace to get warm by.  The elation on his face was priceless to behold when I asked him to build a fire.  He went out to cut kindling and get firewood with the utmost of diligence. 

This late morning, the two younger ones have moved firewood for my husband and now they're outside with their older brother, tending to the fire where last year's pallates are burning.  They need to be replaced, which won't be too hard with the place around the corner putting them out for free. 

Warmth of God's blessings, no matter how big or small are wonderful.  Warm blankies, warm hubbies, warm doggies, warm children, fires to warm the home, warm sunshine making the night's frost disappear.  Wonderful!