Tough Cookies

Within the past couple of weeks, a friend of ours used this phrase to describe us.  I often wonder what has caused us to be seen as "tough cookies" in retrospect.  I remember so many events in our lives, individually and in our married life that has formed us to the people we are today--for better or worse.
I know that many, countless times we've had seemingly insurmountable occurrences in our life that had caused us to immediately hit the floor on our knees in a puddle of tears because in our own strength, we could not do "this", whatever "this" was.  Miraculously, as if by only the strength of the Holy Spirit, we stood to dry our tears and put one foot in front of the other.  There were times that many times EACH DAY we were in a puddle of tears, surrendering everything to the Lord, telling Him that we can't do "this" alone, that He's going to have to do "this" for us because in our own power, we're nothing.

With each step we've taken, we often times get to see a few steps ahead.  Other times, we can only see the step we're on currently.  These lessons have been "hard learned" and wrought with heartache, pain, and rivers and rivers of tears.  So, to use the term "tough cookie" to describe us is not as accurate as perhaps someone with the strength of a piece of jello or as sturdy as a river of tears.

That said, the Lord Himself has etched Himself in and through every aspect of our lives, from our finances, to our home and everything in it, our vehicles, our pets, my Mr. G's retirement from corrections and on to his current job, as well as homeschooling, and moving on in to our lives very soon as post homeschooling parents.  Our lives have been filled with trials and triumphs, but only by God's grace.

So, it is only by the strength of the Lord that we rely on daily that we can be remotely compared to "tough cookies."

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought,

but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, 

because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

 for those who are called according to his purpose." 

(Romans 8:26-28)

This verse has become our very own in the past 3 years through the trials we've faced.  We've clung to it tightly when the winds blew so hard and things we thought were "ok" suddenly disintegrated.

We were helped by many folks posting different scripture at just the right time, praying for us and loving on us just to let us "talk it out" and vent.  There have been priceless friendships formed that had those occurrences not happened, we would have missed those friendships.  God brings about things in our lives to bring people together who wouldn't have normally crossed paths.  What a blessing these folks have been to our lives!  They don't even know the true depth and breadth of how much they honestly helped us just by being there for us when we needed them most.  We feel the Lord Himself put them in our lives and we are truly grateful for their friendship.  

Many times, it was only through the gift of music that was able to sooth our aching hearts.  Many times I leaned on these two songs.

The Lord has blessed us, and given us peace so many times through so many ways. 

Praise His Holy Name!

God Bless,

Finding Peace and Joy in the Finality of God's "No"

For 15 years I begged God for more children.  I asked Him to perform miracles of the most personal kind so that I would be able to bear more children.  I pleaded with my husband to get a reversal.  We'd lay in bed at night with his shoulder soaked with my tears when he'd hold me after telling me "No."  I walked by mirror after mirror each day during my daily work and silently pray for the Lord to fill my tummy with a dear sweet babe.

Years and years would go by and my prayers continued, but eventually there was a point when they changed to something like, "Oh Lord, how I would love for You to fill my tummy with the movings of a babe."  "Oh Lord, fill my tummy with a babe, please."

...please...

Then my prayers themselves changed.

October 8, 2012

Although I am grading papers here, I remember this time vividly because it was the time when I changed my prayers to pleading for the eternal life of my husband.  I had been praying for my husband all along, but things with him got so very difficult. It was a terrible time.

Once he left for work, I sat in my chair and cried and prayed every day.  Some days I went upstairs to our bedroom and lay prostrate on the floor and weep, sobbing and praying for the eternal life of my husband.  I was a single parent.  I was alone.  We not only were unequally yolked, I was carrying the yolk of the burden of the entire house alone.  I not only wanted his companionship, but a willing partnership, but at that time in our lives, he was not able to give that.  He succumbed to the increased stress and pressure at work.  Instead of finding the peace and respite at home, he looked at his responsibilities at home as added stress and buried himself in the numerous video games to lose himself.

It was during this time that my prayers for more babies changed.  I told God that He could use me, take my own life if need be to get through to my husband.  My appeals for help and time were not getting through to him.  Only God could deal with him.

I gave up the desire for more children for the eternal life of my husband.

Once I did, God worked wonderfully in the life of my husband.  Through a series of events, my husband gave his life to Christ on December 30, 2012.

January 9, 2013

While things haven't been "peaches and cream" since then, like cheese and wine, 

things get better with age. 

I began noticing problems with my menstruation not long after this.  After about a year, I noticed things lengthening each month and things changed in appearance.  I felt myself identifying with the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' garment.  I went to get blood tests done every 6 months to keep track of my A1C and fasting blood sugars, cholesterol, triglycerides and iron.  While everything seemed fine, the Dr noticed my iron levels were lower than normal.  She suggested an iron supplement, but I requested being able to increase the iron through my diet instead.  I have other problems with regard to iron supplements, so she reluctantly agreed.  After 6 months of increasing the iron rich foods, my iron levels were even lower. Something else was wrong.

During this time I felt God working on my heart to let go.  I felt myself drawn to foster kids, orphans and family groups of children who have been left mother and fatherless.  Their beautiful faces spoke to my heart and continue to do so.  Every picture I prayed over, every child so very precious needing a home and I wish it were mine.  I spoke to God about how I knew His word talked of taking care of widows and orphans and that He would place the orphan in a family.   I asked God to give my husband a love and a heart for orphans--family groups especially--so that we could partner with God and care for His children, the orphans.  My heart already is one that would welcome a family group of any size to our home.  

I have eagerly soaked up every adoption story with such interest and much like a sponge to glean information about anything we may eventually encounter.  It doesn't matter if it were an international or local adoption I was reading about.  I have been enraptured by their story.

So with all of this heart preparation on my behalf, with diminished energy, tiredness, and simply unable to function after a very busy day--to be the pendulum that while it didn't make me depressed, but just desiring to care of my family.

October 18, 2014

It was approximately this time that I realized after 6 months of keeping my family Dr "in the loop," I decided to talk with her about the bleeding more at length.  She made the suggestion that I make an appointment with an OB/Gyn.  While telling my husband about my appointment, I mentioned that I thought a hysterectomy was probably in my future.  He agreed and said I was probably right.

To my dismay, after an ultrasound and finding out the results, the surgery was scheduled almost a month and a half away.  I just wanted to get it over with.  The week after Christmas would have been wonderful timing for me, but it wasn't in God's plan.  I decided to get to work on the house at that time, but that wasn't in God's plan either.  I don't know if you can see in the picture above, but I'm very tired.  Being tired, maintaining the very basics of every day life, doing just what needed to be done was all I could do.  Plus shortly after Christmas another thing slowed us down--everyone came down with fevers, coughs, runny noses, losing our voices and just sleeping.  When my daughter got well enough, I started training her on extra stuff--specifically mine--to prepare for when I was out of commission.  

Monday came and I was so very ready to not be tired any more.  I was ready for surgery.  God prepared me for this, to say good bye to my baby carrying years, but to say hello to what comes next.

When I came out of recovery, I was famished!  I had not eaten since the day before at breakfast.  They brought me ice chips straight from heaven.  The breathing tube they put down my throat made my throat so sore!  I came home by 5PM!  My hubby went back to town to get some things from the store for me and my daughter had already prepared meatballs for us.  I was still so hungry, so I asked my hubby to bring me a big cheeseburger.   I was famished!  I felt energized though!  I felt the difference in my body.  I felt sore, yes, but I felt good!  

February 7, 2015

So this week, after my surgery, my husband has truly been my hero, ironing out so many issues I've had with our imperfect cherubs, while I happily sit this out, resting.  I'm praising God for answering my prayer to reclaim the years the locusts have taken.  There is more time, but it's coming along.  God is good.  I'm feeling better each day.  I am looking forward to our move with greater peace.  Getting taxes done is the next on the "to do" list.  We have some wonderful money saving plans for our move that my husband has shared with me that are absolutely genius!  I am so thankful and that brings me peace and joy.  God has answered my prayers in such a different way than I ever thought, just by saying, "No."  

Love & God Bless,

Washing Away the Hurt and Pain

Ephesians 4:17-19  "This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,  (18)  Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:  (19)  Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness." [emphasis mine]

This was highlighted in my husband's Bible the day he went to talk with our pastor.  His Bible was laying open in the living room, on top of his laptop which was perched on top of the little office trash can, much like a mini-desk type pedestal.

Later that afternoon, over his soup, after having been confronted by our pastor about his salvation--he is "without excuse" (Romans 1:20)--he dropped to his knees in the middle of the living room and gave his life over to Jesus Christ and asked Him into his heart.

Thus began the washing away of the old man and the new man began to emerge.  

With everything in life, we need to face the consequences of our actions, even if those actions are "pre" salvation.

With the saving power of the Lord Jesus Christ, forgiveness and love has been granted, the road to recovery begun...although it will be a long and arduous road at times I'm sure.  Trust has begun the rebuilding process and a new life and heart and a different and lovely peacefulness has emerged.  Smiles have replaced most of the sadness.  Contentment and joy have settled in.  

The hurt and the pain are still there.  The scars from those years of things happening take time to heal.  Thankfully, the hurt and the pain are gradually, bit-by-bit, being washed away and hearts are being re-knit together in a new and different way.

Tonight we begin our path toward our Christian walk "together"---NOT  UNequally Yoked.  Our pastor suggested we do a study together called Classic Christianity by Bob George [it's on my book reading list].  Right now we've taken a look at the book and the study guide together to figure out the best method of approaching this study.  This particular study is different from every other study I've undertaken personally.  Usually I've looked at the study guide, looked at the book and jumped right in reading the book--entire chapters at a time--before doing the study guide.  Then if I needed to look back at the book I could.  That method doesn't seem to fit any longer.  Now it seems more that we cover sections of each chapter, go over the questions relating to that section, and discuss.  We would not cover chapters each night, not breezing through the book in record time, but savoring it, slowly methodically, together.  All of this while we build our relationship's spiritual qualities, together, like we'd never done before.

What a blessing!

1 Peter 3:8-17  

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:  (9)  Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.  (10)  For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:  (11)  Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.  (12)  For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.  (13)  And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?  (14)  But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;  (15)  But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:  (16)  Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.  (17)  For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.  

An Interesting Result...

Ever since this post, I have found myself physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  My Mr. G and I have been talking about so many things now and it is exhausting!  I've been so used to stuffing my emotions down deep inside me for so long and putting myself out there, being transparent about my thoughts and feelings is T.O.U.G.H. work!  We're praying together, planning little day trips here and there together, with hopefully some time away together AND he's trying to get the week of VBS off work to help!    What a blessing!!!

I sat on my bedroom floor today going through books since we removed the book shelf from in there and I sat there crying out to God, being so very thankful for my husband's salvation after praying for him for so many years.  But I also sat there in disbelief at how exhausted I was.  I'm letting go of a lot of the weight from my own shoulders.  After having carried those responsibilities for so long, he's rightly taking the helm and while it is a relief for me, I'm finding that I can sleep every afternoon for a couple of hours.  I had pulled myself out of that routine with my diet and exercising, but the letting go of the hurt is so freeing.  With that freedom comes relaxing and relaxing moves so very naturally to rest and sleep.

Rest assured, I'm not going to become the next female Rumpelstiltskin.   However, I'm glad for the peace, for the rest and most of all for my husband's salvation!  :)  If you don't see me posting for a bit, I'm probably schooling my kids, getting to know the spiritual side of my husband (and reveling in it), or sleeping.


Matthew 11:28-30 " Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  (29)  Take My yoke on you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest to your souls.  (30)  For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

Rejoice With Us!!!

After 23 years of praying for him, my Mr. G accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior on December 30th, 2012 while sitting alone at the table and praying over his soup.

And if that were not enough, JL and HJ are getting baptized THIS coming Sunday at church.

Many things to PRAISE GOD for!