These wonderful moments so lovingly emblazoned in my own memory of my children, my husband, my own parents, my husband's parents and brother are so very dear to my heart. I am so very blessed with those memories. I have very few memories of my own siblings and mother during my own adulthood because we each live so far from one another, unfortunately. When you have people under your roof to care for, those lovely ones take precedence over traveling 2000 miles one way to see people with money one doesn't have. Does it mean we love any less? No. We have a Biblical mandate to care for the needs of those placed under our care. That comes first, always. Some people may use credit to take vacations, then pay it off after the vacation is over. In an all cash system, if the money isn't there to take vacations, then we don't go. It is so very simple. In our all cash system, planning must be a part of things. This is where the heart strings get wrenched and tugged for me.
How does one travel to see loved ones inexpensively with a family? We have traveled to Florida, stopping to stay the night at friends' houses at the half way mark. I love reasons to stop and visit, love on and spend time with precious friends. These are things that make my heart the happiest of all. I can treasure the times that I've spent with precious friends. I do treasure those times so very sweetly. My husband has so lovingly placed restrictions upon my friend visiting. If it were up to me, we'd stop and visit every friend between here and the ends of the earth, leaving hugs and happy tears of joy along the way. These are things that give me such joy. We do have time restrictions when we go places, unfortunately. This is why my husband tells me that we can only visit ( # of friends) on any given trip. *sigh* A couple days ago he was sitting with me on the couch while I read on facebook. He asked me how many friends I had. I would love to visit everyone.
To visit family brings up so many things that I would honestly like to forget. Those things at times are still stirred up and some family members not so very welcoming. While I have forgiven and moved on, the turmoil in relationships remain due to a variety of reasons. The times like this makes me reflect upon the fact that we cannot change others, to make them grow and understand how we’ve grown in the last 20 years and agree with all that we do in our life’s choices. Their world view, religious and political convictions are not the same or remotely close to ours. The struggle to find common ground is difficult. Things like this make traveling to see family like I’ve described that you haven’t seen in years so very difficult. There is something within each of us, I’m sure, that is “obligatory” in nature that feels the need to introduce our children to those family members. There is a nature within my husband to want to protect his family from jabs, barbs and snide comments from family members who know nothing of how we’ve raised our children, our faith, our beliefs and home schooling practices. We’ve lived all of our adult lives for the most part, without family living around us. We have no one who is related to us, even distantly, who lives anywhere near us. Grandparents do not come over every week, nor do we go to their house every week to enjoy one another’s company. My heart is so very torn. I would love to have that type of a relationship with family, but it isn’t possible for geographical reasons, nor is it possible due to such stark differences in beliefs about everything. I am not one to verbally attack someone. I love deeply from my heart in word and in deed. The words I type may be misunderstood at times, but if you have ever heard my voice and spoke with me, you’d know that my words are loving and kind, not accusatory. The gifts I give are from my heart. I truly believe that my husband doesn’t want to see me deeply hurt by the above mentioned family members any more than is necessary.
What amount is necessary? It depends on the relationship between the family members. It also depends on the type of communication the other family members use…aka…foul language. Do we want our children around that all the time? *sigh* No. Many would argue that we should go among them and be a shining light. While it is true, we would have great religious persecution in a variety of forms, as responsible parents, we are not willing to put our children through that.
What about forgiveness? There is forgiveness. However, with forgiveness comes the need to set boundaries. This is healthy. Turning the other cheek has its place, but in family relationships that are abusive in nature, one has a personal responsibility to not only protect the innocent from the potential abuse, but also to be courageous enough to stand up to the abuser and say, “this is not right and you will not treat me/us this way. If you continue to do so, we will not be a part of your life.” The book Boundaries is all about setting up limitations for your own protection and the protection of your own precious children.
What about love? In scripture it tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Scripture also tells us that families will be at odds with one another. Father against son, mother against daughter, sister against brother, father-in-law against son-in-law and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law. Does this mean that to show someone we love them that we take their abusiveness like the doormat on the front step? No! Love is not rude! Love does no harm!
While my husband and I have decisively taken steps to stop the cycle of abuse, it still hurts to know that the abuse and manipulation is still occurring. How does one not feel guilt when we decide to use our money to buy a new furnace instead of going to see family that we haven’t seen in a long time? I know the decision is pretty obvious that we need to buy a new furnace over going to see family, but the guilt remains. Then there are those who say, “Don’t wait to go see a loved one and make amends.” *sigh* What if that loved one doesn’t want to make amends? Do you truly shake the dust off your feet and move on?
While we will not go to their homes and see these family members this next year, we’ll still take small trips. I’m hoping to take a small trip to Missouri to hug a precious friend and hopefully see a couple cousins. If the family members who are further away than we can financially travel, they have the choice of meeting us in the middle. It is as simple as placing limitations on what one can feasibly do and giving options to others, making choices and accepting one’s own limited ability to do more. (Admittedly, I need to work on this guilt thing, too.) I’m also hoping to visit the PA Grand Canyon and stay overnight, meeting another precious friend there. I know these wonderful friends are not family. I know it isn’t fulfilling any “family” obligations, but it is keeping things in perspective. The needful things will come first. Then we do what we can.
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