Wholeness and Self Worth

Adult survivors of child abuse, boy that certainly sounds rather depressing, doesn’t it?  Well, that is what I am.  I am also a survivor of spousal abuse.  It certainly sounds like I’ve had a depressing life.  I haven’t, honestly.  Let me elaborate and reassure you that none of this affects who I am now.  Or, maybe it does?  J

Forewarning: While this post is about being an adult survivor of child abuse, you will not find any of the circumstances elaborated on in this post. 

I love how the Lord has providentially brought me to where I am now.  None of it has ever been easy.   Looking back and reviewing all the occurrences of my life, I can see God’s hand protecting me, guiding me and directing me, even in my darkest of hours. 

I will say that the time of my childhood abuse was relatively short in the grand scheme of things.   My parents divorced in 1983 when I was 13.  My mother was always held back by my father’s presence when they were married, so once they divorced, my father was no longer around, which gave my mother the “permission” (or so she thought) to do whatever she wanted.  A little history, as I have spoken with cousins and aunts about the situation with my mother through the years, I’ve found out more information that helps to put my mother’s condition in to better perspective.  From what I understand, my mother had a head injury when she was little and she apparently did not recover well.  When she was in her early teens, she contracted an interesting case of influenza.  She never fully recovered.  It also affected her brain and her thought processes.  For those of you who may read here and are spiritually aware of various situations, it is as if my mother has a “veil of blindness” over her.  Another cousin mentioned this to me and it certainly makes sense.  I know God is one who heals.  I also know that God is one who allows certain situations to occur to bring people closer to Himself.  I fully believe this is the case in my life and in the lives of my mother, sister, and brother as well as everyone whose lives have been touched by my mother. 

The more I understand and seek God’s understanding for my mother’s condition; the physical and mental abuse that I encountered under her hands is put in to perspective for me.  She was dropped on her head as a small child/babe in arms.  Some, if not most, family members do not know this.  I only found this out recently through talking about family history with a cousin.  She said that as a young child, she walked in to a room where the adults were talking about my mother being dropped on her head and all the things they were dealing with due to my Mother's condition.    Couple that with physical and mental abuse she sustained as a child as well as the influenza as an early teen, it causes my heart to weep for her. 

To give you a bit of a glimpse of how she thinks, as I type this, she hadn’t spoken to me for over 3 years until about 3 weeks ago.  In July of 2008, my daughter broke her leg.  For some reason, when it comes to my daughter, she is a trigger for my mother to remember that she hasn’t seen her in a long time.  My mother wanted to come out here to PA from South Dakota on a *one way* ticket.  I told her that I needed to talk with my husband about it and that I would get back to her.  She assumed it would be an “I’ll call you back right away and tell you” type of situation which it wasn’t.  My husband was in the middle of working with an electrical job in the garage and not able to put anything down to really talk everything through.  I presented it to him and he said he’d think about it.  I tried calling my mother the next day to no response.  Two days later, she finally answered her phone and before I could tell her that she could come, if she could get the other half of her ticket, she got angry with me for not calling back right away, accused my husband of not loving her and hung up the phone on me. 

This type of thinking process caused over 3 years of bitterness, not willing to listen or respect the fact that she needed to give my husband time to think.  The world revolves around her, what she says, everyone should do or they get written off and not spoken to again.  That is, until my aunt and I manipulated a time where we could call and talk with her while she was at my aunt’s house.   She was very bitter with me.  I could hear it in her voice.  My husband and I had been sending her grocery money for a couple months, as well as care packages, which I thought would soften her heart, but even after that, the bitterness and anger could have been cut with a knife.  She was having angioplasty done the following day and we wanted her to know that we loved her and that we were praying for her.  She spoke with the children at length that day after I spoke with her for the first time in over 3 years.

After over 3 years of her bitterness, not sending any birthday cards to her grandchildren, a letter or Christmas cards, just a couple days ago there was an envelope from her in the mail, addressed to the children.  She enclosed a picture, said “Merry Christmas” and signed it “Grandma”.  Not Love, Grandma.  But, I look at this as a positive step, a good step for her.  Our prayers are working. 

One of the most difficult things for me is realizing that I will never have the type of relationship with my mother or my sister (see here) [more on that later] that I would love to have.  I read about these types of relationships that people have with one another where they do the most wonderful things with their mothers and their siblings.  The celebrations are wonderful and love abounds.  I long for that type of relationship with my mother and sister, but it grieves me to know that I will always and consistently be manipulated, resented, the thought of me, my life, what I stand for, my children and my husband of almost 22 years embitters them for whatever reason, I don’t know.  It pains me to think that it is my own life choices that embitter them.   I will always choose the life of serving my Lord over anything else.  Oddly enough, if they only knew that this life choice of my own has taken so much sheer work, sacrificial love, and pushing my own selfishness aside, they may not be so envious.  It is so very easy to think of number 1 first and let the chips fall where they may.  It is so much more rewarding to think of others first above oneself.  Yes, it is difficult, but yes, so very rewarding! :)

My heart weeps with such sorrow because they will never willingly know that love due to the spiritual blinders or the veil of blindness over them, unless God steps in and supernaturally changes them.

My prayer for them both is that they will find the author of love, life and salvation in all His simplicity, accept His free gift and grow in the love that He offers to them.  Although I’ve forgiven them, I also pray for truly reconciled relationships based on the love of Christ, not superficial reconciliation with fake smiles plastered on faces. 

This was November 2003 when my mother was in the hospital.  My older brother Bill is on the left, my sister Evelyn is on the right behind my mother and I am on the near right.  I went out to see her when I received a phone call from my brother and sister letting me know that she may not make it.

This is what she looks like today-2011.

I’m not seeking acceptance or love from them.  I am seeking my Lord for their salvation.  At this point, that is all the desire of my heart seeks for.  Once they cross over to eternity, the veil of blindness will fall off and truth will be known then.  I’m mostly concerned for seeing all of my family in eternity.

My heart's desire has changed over the years for them.  While I would love to have that edifying, loving, relationship with them, I am not desiring that above all else. That would be putting other things before my Lord and I am not willing to do that.  I am fully aware that the Lord gives everyone their own agency and choice to accept Him or reject Him in their lives here on earth.  I have to say that I have separated my own heart from them in that I don't let their bitterness, resentment and manipulations bother me.  I think this is a very healthy step toward wholeness and self worth.  I've found my own self worth in my Lord, instead of what others think of me, which is a good thing. 

I continue to pray for their salvation, not out of guilt, or needing their approval, but out of love.