Saturday Before My Surgery

As time goes by, with all the Dr's visits this week, preparing my heart and mind for my pending surgery, I find myself concerned about the running of my household while I am recuperating.  Yes, my husband will be off work, my children have the capacity to take care of things, but things will not be cared for as I'd like.  I'll need at least 4 weeks, but according to my mother it would be up to 3 months.  I cannot fathom 3 months healing time.  However, I can understand it.

Today I went to get preparations for the day before and the day of my surgery.  You know those wonderful cleaning out of the bowel types of things.  Yes, those.  I also needed to get a pair of comfy stretchy pants.  I haven't owned a pair of sweat pants in at least a decade, so it was time to get something comfy.  I don't mind.  On my way, I found myself wishing my Mom and my mother were able to come and sit with me.  Then my thoughts went to all of my aunts, wishing family were closer because it feels so alone.  I knew my lovely aunts and my Mom and my mother would understand, having gone through this, and bring us a meal or two, come play board games with my kids, make them do their chores, help with laundry.

...and suddenly I felt so alone...

...not because I don't have people around me, but I do....those who have not walked this path before, those who cannot possibly understand my heart, my sickness, my emptiness, my grief.

I will be having a complete hysterectomy just to be sure there is no cancer that I need to be concerned with.  I have fibroid tumors growing in my uterus "too numerous to count."  If they cut in to my uterus, they may cut in to a tumor that "may" have cancer cells in it.  My Dr has advised me to do so.  I understand why and while I am completely at peace with it, I still have issues of the heart.  I cannot disconnect the logical from the emotional heart issues, placing each in it's own separate box, but I am an ever encompassing being.  My heart loves children.  The dear sweet wee ones I've longed to have and bear from my body will now never be.  To think of this brings my heart such an aching.

The only solace for my ache is the hope for future adoptive children.  My heart has longed for adopting a family group.  Ones who need a forever family, who break my heart with their lovely and beautiful faces, longing for me to call them my own, give them my name, my mother's heart.

And with that, I have joy.

Love,

Regina